Shit my brother says.

"Do you think I WANT to install a fucking fax machine at 11 o'clock at night!?"

"Did you know they have automatic staplers now? I hate them."

"If I hear one more Kangaroo wrestling name I'm going to snap."
 
"I didn't get that song as a kid, what DID they do on the Discovery Channel?"
 
"You do not have passion for anything." - "What are you talking about? I was willing to kill someone over Risk yesterday."
 
"Rod this food is terrible. [Pretending to me me] No its 'Avante-Garde'."

"There's pink pee in the toilet, I think someone needs to see a doctor."

"Well if you take the cosine of the results then..." - "I will cosine your death warrant if you don't shut up!"
 
"Well shit, I don't know him well enough to share a pickle."

"This is Tulsa, the town that everybody thinks is Oklahoma City."