"The writer is either a practicing recluse or a delinquent, guilt-ridden one; or both. Usually both."

Its rare that people try to talk to me. Its gotten to a point where I can hardly respond when they do. The barista said she liked my shirt, "Thanks." Someone asked if I had seen the movie of Trainspotting, "No, I make a case to read the book before the movie." ALWAYS END OF CONVERSATION.

Its unfortunate, I wish I had more desire to connect with people but its too awkward and difficult. I have friends, but either they completely understand this aspect and do not take my reclusiveness as offensive or ignore it and carry the weight themselves through an assertive personality, which I appriciate, either way its an effort, but these people are few in between. Parties are difficult, get-togethers are difficult, love is difficult.

I called a friend recently, first sentence was, "This must be important."

I am not offended, I kind of like that, because I do not really like to fuck around, even though I try and force myself to so I can have some semblence of a normal life.

Well it is what it is, what disturbs me is that I feel that time is very short, I don't have a lot of it to waste on trying to be out with people. I am under the constant feeling that I am late and that I have to get doing now. But that never happens, same old same old.

But I have plenty to spend here.

I just feel weird.



I finished Fear and Loathing today, loved it, I wish I was as insane as Hunter S. Thompson.

Chemistry is just a word we use to describe what occurs when subtle changes in your mind make energy from common lives.

So this blog, whats it for? For what its worth, I'm not entirely sure. Honestly, I think its because I do not really talk to anyone, so the excess thoughts I have on my head I use this as a cesspool to collect them. Its uncomfortable a little, but less so then actually sitting eye-to-eye with you and telling you these things through sounds and not text. If you can get me to make prolonged eye contact with you then thats something else.

Also, attention. We all crave it, we all want it in one way, shape, or form, and I am of no exception, lets just put that out there. Call it some Psuedo-celebrity-ism thing if you will. I am an artist, I may be a crappy, generic, run-of-the-mill one living in LA, but I am one.

However I can't be completely honest here, half of everything I type gets deleted. Because if I go too long at it I realize how stupid it is and give it up.

(I'm finishing this one though)

But what does it matter, really?

So we played a show, and if any of you are musicians and have experienced this same thing maybe you can help me out. We played, and though we didn't (by my account and the accounts of others) do extremely badly, I felt awful. Like I just wanted to start bawling but I couldn't figure out why, and its happened after every performance we've done.

I feel like shit for the rest of the night.

I'm not sure if other performers experience the same thing, I think they might but I never really hear people talking about it, just the rush, the thrill, the excitement...

I tried to think about it (the reasons), but all that would come up are self-indulging reasons. Tortured artist... I don't know, we have enough of those.

I'm too pretentious, and I do not feel genuine, what do I know of angst? Or problems, all of them are in my head and they are not real. Depression, OCD, BDD, all these perceived realities of a life that I have that is by all accounts not terrible, just the chemistry in my head explained by freudian causasions. I have no reason to despise the people in my life, they are for all intents and purposes just people and they have flaws the same as me, I've done some pretty shitty things too.

I'm not sure about the point I'm trying to get across, I think that I am really just scared of everything. I'm here really wanting things to work but lacking the time/talent/energy/opportunities to do it and that bums me the fuck out.

We have another show coming up, and I'm not sure how much more of this band I am willing to take, its becoming more of a chore as opposed to a pleasure, and yet we haven't really done shit. I'm hoping its the chemistry in that, and not the body, because the insecurities and failures that tie in and feed that are overbearing.

But I need to remember this, "Imagine an artist who never lived, never died a million times, never drowned. That would be some fucking terrible generic, unthought out art."

Chemistry? Hopefully. Believe It Or Not I Care's days are probably numbered, the chemistry needs to be fixed.

Well I'm not okay, I'm not oh-fucking-kay.

So I've written about a novella's (or so) worth of material in a month and a half or so. My brain is mentally drained from all these collegial labors, (disregarding finals). Its been taxing on my psyche, already strained by a short attention span (guess what I should be doing right now?) and a lack of reserve energy (at all times let alone now). Furthermore my tribulations are not done yet, still 10 more pages to go, that will bring my count to about 60+ pages total and over 17,000 words, at least a novella by any definition.

And I think I wore too many layers of clothes, today's count brings me up to 5, its making me look fatter then I usually do.

1st layer: Small KXLU t-shirt
2nd layer: Medium Grey t-shirt
3rd layer: Longsleeve Green shirt
4th layer: Grey hoodie
5th layer: Daniel Johnston t-shirt

Excessive?

Ugh, well no, I am okay, its just that song is how I feel.

For the record, My Chemical Romance is a good band. There ... I said it.

I want to make a U2 cover band, It'll be called Us2, and it will be just us two. And we'll make our first album, "We Were Also At The Joshua Tree, But U2 Didn't Notice Us There At the Time."

I want to make so many bands, but just to use up these awesome band names I came up with;
-I'm A French Existentialist Writer, Love Me!*
-I'm Not the Enemy Shao Kahn Is*
-The Band Before Time (Land Before Time cover band)*
-I'm Rainbow Fucking Randolph (Lots of I'ms)
-Philip K Dick the Movie
-Bring Me the Head of Miles Davis
-GASP!!
-I'm In!
-Eejanaika (Isn't It Great?)
-What the Hell

If you want to use any of them, let me know first and I'll let you know if its okay. The Star (*) denotes that you can't, but the others you can ask.

I'm okay now
I'm okay now
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth, I mean this, I'm okay.
(Trust me)

I'm so tired, sheep are counting me.

Flaming Lips Secret Show [x]
Where the Wild Things Are [ ]
L'KEG Gallery Icons & Tangles Closing Reception [ ]
AIDS Walk [ ]

Busy, not used to this kind of activity, and I lack a lot of energy but thats life, you can always regain energy but you can't experience things again once they're gone.

Picked up these at Amoeba yesterday.

I miss the comfort in being sad.

To be honest with myself this decade is really fucking boring.

I didn't realize it when I bought it, but I have almost that same exact sweater.

But you know what? Sweaters were way better in the 90s, all we have nowadays are hoodies.
Most things in the 90s were better.