Chemistry is just a word we use to describe what occurs when subtle changes in your mind make energy from common lives.

So this blog, whats it for? For what its worth, I'm not entirely sure. Honestly, I think its because I do not really talk to anyone, so the excess thoughts I have on my head I use this as a cesspool to collect them. Its uncomfortable a little, but less so then actually sitting eye-to-eye with you and telling you these things through sounds and not text. If you can get me to make prolonged eye contact with you then thats something else.

Also, attention. We all crave it, we all want it in one way, shape, or form, and I am of no exception, lets just put that out there. Call it some Psuedo-celebrity-ism thing if you will. I am an artist, I may be a crappy, generic, run-of-the-mill one living in LA, but I am one.

However I can't be completely honest here, half of everything I type gets deleted. Because if I go too long at it I realize how stupid it is and give it up.

(I'm finishing this one though)

But what does it matter, really?

So we played a show, and if any of you are musicians and have experienced this same thing maybe you can help me out. We played, and though we didn't (by my account and the accounts of others) do extremely badly, I felt awful. Like I just wanted to start bawling but I couldn't figure out why, and its happened after every performance we've done.

I feel like shit for the rest of the night.

I'm not sure if other performers experience the same thing, I think they might but I never really hear people talking about it, just the rush, the thrill, the excitement...

I tried to think about it (the reasons), but all that would come up are self-indulging reasons. Tortured artist... I don't know, we have enough of those.

I'm too pretentious, and I do not feel genuine, what do I know of angst? Or problems, all of them are in my head and they are not real. Depression, OCD, BDD, all these perceived realities of a life that I have that is by all accounts not terrible, just the chemistry in my head explained by freudian causasions. I have no reason to despise the people in my life, they are for all intents and purposes just people and they have flaws the same as me, I've done some pretty shitty things too.

I'm not sure about the point I'm trying to get across, I think that I am really just scared of everything. I'm here really wanting things to work but lacking the time/talent/energy/opportunities to do it and that bums me the fuck out.

We have another show coming up, and I'm not sure how much more of this band I am willing to take, its becoming more of a chore as opposed to a pleasure, and yet we haven't really done shit. I'm hoping its the chemistry in that, and not the body, because the insecurities and failures that tie in and feed that are overbearing.

But I need to remember this, "Imagine an artist who never lived, never died a million times, never drowned. That would be some fucking terrible generic, unthought out art."

Chemistry? Hopefully. Believe It Or Not I Care's days are probably numbered, the chemistry needs to be fixed.