"Some people just want to watch the world burn."

I was pretty upset, I still am, and I suppose I'm silently expected to forget everything.

How many times can a person make your life hell before you've had enough? At some point, after a certain degree, you want to just destroy everything, let or make the worst happen, ruin things between someone permanently so you aren't unsure anymore. So things will be stable. Because the maintenance in this arrangement always seems to be on my shoulders when its the others' responsibility to come to me humbled and actually work to become a better person.

But no, I'm supposed to just put up with it.

At this stage I want this to end, and burning whats left would be a hell-of-a-lot easier and faster than trying to fix it.

At any rate, I still think its too late for you to be saved.

So no forgiveness, no revenge, nothing. Just go and live your life.

But you are not going to do that.

"I hate myself and I want to die."

Oh how I wish I can find these.

They are wonderful.

Ok, this is the last Nirvana song I'm putting up on here for awhile. I do listen to other music as well.

"The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist."

My friend Walt was giving away some old art of his. I met him during my stint in the L'KEG Gallery, (which I have heart-breakingly learned from him is permanently dead) and is a good friend. So I looked through some of his stuff and settled on these. The first two are a part of a three-piece set, the third piece, "Makeout" (here) Walt kept for himself, I'm keeping the first, my girlfriend is taking the second, she is taking the Batgirl sketches as well.

Birth

Bumblebee Fight

I love his style, and I'm really excited to be in possession of these. He's done work all around the LA area, right now he has something up with Mastodon Mesa.

I haven't talked a whole lot about the L'KEG gallery on this, but during 2009 I've spent a lot of time there, seen some amazing things, and met some amazing people. I am going to miss it.

Katie and me behind the counter at L'KEG on one of the late-nights.

"There is nothing I can say that I have not said before."

Dear ******,

I am fed up with begging and putting up with the shit that we've all been dealing with my entire life. I do not deserve nor do I want to go through all of this anymore, and the idea that you are going to put us through all of this bullshit and still stick around makes me sick. It might be fucking selfish of me, and it might be the "best" option for everyone else's pure survival's sake, but I am pissed and emotionally drained, I really am and as long as we have this kind of contact I do not feel like our relationship will get any better. You did this to yourself, and then you put it on us. We are not the problem and if I want to stay out of it, I have every right to do so. I do not care about all of the good things, they do not excuse everything else. The way you treat people is disgusting and I can't just ignore it anymore. I do not care what hell you've been through, I am not going down with your ship and I do not think you can be saved.

Despite all of this goddamnit, I still love you, and thats what hurts the most.



What the hell is one supposed to do.

"For the last time, take a good hard look."

This past winter.

It was better then, now things are disintegrating. Things are not okay anymore.

"Be careful, very careful."

A work in progress, not done yet, still needs a few lines.

It’s a big deal when you are not happy. Just in case we don’t make it back I want you to know that I tried. Those are moments I lost. Having sit-down talks about morbid thoughts. And they weren’t always mine. It was something we shared. Eye-liner flows. Dark clothes. Show that. I can’t watch you run across this landlocked hamartia cause. When four words could change all that. With the marks where we did well. And the scars when we sat still. Girl we’ll do fine. It’s a fair choice. By paper or the force in your voice. To make this or kid something eventually will. The best it’s been. Is the problem when cowards win. You decided to die just like I decided to live. I’m not an asshole for trying to think. It’s not something I jump into just like that. You roll your eyes hard enough to break necks. Be careful. But you can’t let that happen. Because you know they’re not happy till we are. So goes life on the Ritalin River. As weak as we are with our stains. And stained eyes we must do this together. I didn’t forget you just need to remind me. On the last station and I’m so scared. And I want to pretend that I’m not but. We have a lot to lose from this. And my words sound like a breath. And puberty smells just like death. When you’re at my house. In boots and a blouse. And I remember why I can’t. Watch you run across. This cliché kitsch bipolar loss. But girl we’ll do fine. With the burns before we reach hell. And divorce papers on the top of the hill. But girl we’ll do fine. I confess I cannot feel. And I admit my friends aren’t real. We’ll do fucking fine.

-------------------

Yes I listen to Bruce Springsteen.

"Those are moments I lost, having sit-down talks about morbid thoughts."

Oh, 2 new followers! I have not much to say, but I am invigorated. Thank you.

At Amoeba I finally found Hidden World by Fucked Up used, that was a long time coming. I also bought a 7" from A.P.P.L.E. that apparently belonged to KXLU, (sharpied on the cover). We were with my friend who is associated with them and he says it was probably stolen.

I have acquired some new art that I am very excited about, but I am not going to talk about that until I can post pictures of them.

Furthermore, we [my band] are recording a demo. Its cool.

I've been feeling uninspired lately, but with all of this new stuff I can feel that changing.